Hello Twinkle Toes

I have decided to heed The Man's advice and I am going to start a new pair of socks: "Twinkle Toes." This is Cookie A's Knitty Gritty design. I have me my size 4 DPNs. I have me my STR "Rose Quartz" in heavyweight. I have it all de-hanked and assembled at the ready on my swift:



And now I'll just move the swift over to the kitchen table so it will be near the ball winder that is permanently attached to my dining room bookcase:


There it is, right next to The Man's Jesus action figure and the photo of Bunny and her brothers at the collective farm the Bunny parents ran when we were little. They told us to smile for the camera or we'd have no gruel back at gulag, so don't be fooled.

Uh oh. Problem:


The Man has left his shit on the dining room table. There is no room for the swift. (Please note YB in the background, staking out the kitchen just in case someone drops a biscotti or something.)

What to do? What to do? Well, I'm not going to clean it up. It's The Man's mess. There is only one thing to do. Passively-aggressively pretend that it isn't there and see how long it takes him to clean it up, aka Bunny Goes On Strike. Bunny Goes On Strike a lot. It doesn't seem to make much difference. Usually, people don't notice that she's on strike. However, it makes for some excellent seething and brooding in solitary silence. Until The Man cleans it up, Bunny will have to suffer with her boring old knitting.

UPDATE:

The Man cleaned it up. There usually isn't a wine box and a Borders bag on the kitchen table. Thus, their presence is unfamiliar and, ergo, scary to Kirbys. So scary, they prevent Kirbys from eating their supper, because their supper dishes are near the kitchen table. The Man moved his shit, Kirby ate his supper, Bunny wound her yarn and cast on her sock, and all is well with the world.

Goodbye Tofu Socks

The tofu socks are finished.


They are in The Man's Christmas stocking. The Man's Christmas stocking is nice and bulge-y. Bunny's stocking is empty. Bunny is harping on the fullness of The Man's stocking in the hopes that The Man will make the connection and realize that:

1. Bunny's stocking is empty.
2. Bunny wants something in her stocking.
3. No one else lives here.
4. If anything gets put in Bunny's stocking, The Man is going to have to do it.
5. By Christmas morning.

He's not a stupid man, but neither is he a subtle man.

Do you know what this means? It means that Bunny only has two projects going, beagle blanket and purple cardigan. I'd like to point out that just because you may be working both sides of a cardigan front simultaneously on the same needle from two balls of yarn in an attempt to ensure that they turn out symmetrical and the same size doesn't mean that this will actually happen unless you pay attention to what you are doing and alternate sides. If you just work the same side back and forth over and over, it will end up much larger than the untouched, unworked side. Then you'll have to do make-up rows and measure them and shit, which you hate, which is why you did it this way in the first place.

I am going into the stash to pick out something nice for myself, I am going to start some fair isle socks, and maybe I'll pull out some of the leftovers and do a hat or something that I can actually finish soon and feel like I accomplished something.

Goodbye Secret Project

I can now come clean about the secret knitting project because it is no longer a secret. A group of six of us at the Teeny Tiny Government Entity meet at lunch time every Tuesday to knit. Our circle has changed over the past few years as people have come and gone. Our best knitter decamped for the Left Coast and that leaves me as the most fearless knitter remaining. We all have different skill levels and experience. I have been knitting since I was a child, I do the most patterns and color work (not much color work, though), I knit socks on DPNs and that freaks out some of my friends. I am not afraid to rip out a substantial amount of work or even a whole garment if it doesn't turn out right. But I would not say I am the best knitter. There are others who do more precise, regular stitch work and smoother, more even finishing.

Anyway, our Kathleen is retiring in a few days, and we got together and decided to make her a blanket:

We each knit some of the squares in whatever patterns we wanted, and then we edged them in crochet, sewed them together, and did some more edging around the finished product. It turned out wonderfully. I am so proud of us. Kathleen was moved. I had to prod her to stop hugging it to herself so we could unfold it and photograph it. I'm thrilled she liked it. But what I am most proud of is how the members of the circle each pushed her comfort level and became a little more fearless by trying out new patterns. People are getting more excited about doing more complicated work. We're growing. It's so exciting and I'm so proud of everyone.

Goodbye Monkey Socks

The flash is not working on my camera and I'm too lazy to figure out why, so deal with it.

Zee Monkey Socks, zey are feeneeshed, and are on their way to someone who could use a pick me up.


Zee ugly Flower Power socks, zey are feeneeshed alzo, and they are maybe not so ugly. I wished I'd knit them in the next smaller girth size and about 1/4 inch longer, but hey. We are about expression, not perfection.

GK helped with the photography. He keeps a close watch on me to make sure I don't go away.

Tofu sock number one is also finished, and sock two has been cast on. I gave up on the idea that one cannot, under any circumstances, change needles. I swapped out the bent metal ones for straight bamboo ones of the same size, and everything went smoothly after that. Does The Man have nice legs, or does he have nice legs? And look at YB back there, being a good boy.

I cast on the fronts to my purple cardigan. I am trying to knit them both at the same time, on the same circular needle, side-by-side, from separate balls of yarn. I saw a tip that this is a good way to ensure symmetry. We'll see. I'll probably end up knitting them together at some point. However, if this works, I can do the sleeves the same way and maybe finished this baby up in a month or so.

You'll never believe this, but I also pulled out ye olde beagle blanket and did a few repeats of the pattern while watching the foosball yesterday.

Here's a Tip

If you are knitting with a chunky weight yarn that gets 3 stitches per inch, then don't use the pattern instructions for worsted weight yarn getting 5 stitches per inch. Instead, try using the pattern directions for chunky weight yarn that gets 3 stitches per inch. That way, you might not completely fuck up the armholes of the sweater you're knitting and have to rip out more than six excruciating inches of work.

Also, this just in: We hate the Redskins. They hate us, so we hate them.

Making progress

I have whittled down my knitting to four active projects. The Man Mittens are done, and are already getting some hard wear. I am conflicted about this. I think a lot of knitters are. On the one hand, they are a utilitarian garment, knitted to be worn and used. So he wears them all the time. This is good. On the other hand, this is a handknitted work of art to be cherished. If he actually uses them as intended, they will start looking scaggy and, at some point, wear out.


The Fleece Artist socks are done and have been put in the mail. I wanted to keep them, but they weren't for me.


The beagle blanket is in hibernation, and my part of the secret project is done and I need input from others before I can do the next step.


This leaves me with three pairs of socks and my purple cardigan. It is supposed to rain hard and icy today, which not only hasn't happened so far, but isn't even showing up of the radar yet. I've got a pile of firewood on the deck and football to watch, so I should be able to get in some good knitting time.


I've started the decreases for the armholes on the sweater. This means I have to pay attention to the pattern, but it also means that I can see tangible progress, which makes it more enjoyable to knit.

Here are the Monkey socks. I used the YB-approved Lorna's Laces. I've done one and finished the cuff of the second one. I need to knock these up the priority list because the person for whom they are intended has had a mishap and could use some thoughtfulness.

This is the tofu sock. I'm love/hating it. It looks great and it is going to feel nice. However, the yarn is a bit slippery and I'm using metal Susan Bates needles, which amplifies the slipperiness, so it's constantly coming off the needles. Plus one of my needles is seriously bent so, awkward to knit with. No I can't switch needles mid-project because then the gauge might get fucked up. That's right. An f-bomb. That's how bent needles affect me. I need new ones, but none of the yarn stores carry them. I'll have to go to the horrid all-purpose schlocky craft store that sells the kind of shit you'd need if you were the sort of person to decorate your house with homemade angels fashioned from feathers and raffia and baby-doll heads.

Back to tofu. It looks pretty good.

Why, thank you. I think the heel flap shows off the colors nicely too. Sez The Man: uuuuuuhhh, kin I have 'em? Sez Bunny: Sure, sweetie. You do realize they're purple, right? Sez The Man: Yeah, so? Sez I: and the yarn is made from tofu? Sez The Man: Cool.

Once was a time when The Man wouldn't eat tofu, and now he's going to be wearing purple tofu.

And finally, the sock club socks:

I'm working the heel flap on the second sock. I do not love these colors. Not at all. But at last I'm getting it finished.

When the sock club socks are finished, I can start the next sock club socks. When the Monkey socks are finished, I can start the Cookie A. Knitty Gritty socks. When the tofu socks are done, I can start some nice grey fair isle socks.

I. Am. So. Bored.

My projects all suck. They are boring. They are dull. And boring. So very very boring. I am getting very little pleasure from knitting because all my projects are boring. And dull.

First on the lame parade:

Man mittens. Done. He likes them, they're fine, I used up some leftover yarn. Whatever. Dull. And boring.

Also, secret project.

Blocking squares. Then edging them. Then panicking about running out of yarn in the edging color, so buying more. Then edging and blocking. Then wising up and figuring out that the yarn won't split so much if I use a larger crochet hook. Duh. Then realizing there still won't be enough yarn in the edging color, so tracking down some more and driving there in the rain to get some, to include sitting at a red light for 6 minutes and realizing it isn't cycling and then having to wait another 2 minutes for an opening to get out of the turn lane and go around.

Also lame: the purple sweater. I knit a lot of socks. I use mostly size 0 and 1 needles, sometimes 2s. When I knit something that is not socks, I usually end up on 4s, 5s, or 7s. This is a lovely chunky weight yarn and I'm using 11s. I feel like I'm trying to knit with softball bats. My hands get tired faster and the needles, Addi Turbos, which I normally love, are making an annoying clicking sound that is making me crazy. Hate. Irrational hate.

Thank you socks. I've decided they may never be finished. I only have about 3/4 inch of 2x2 ribbing and a cast-off to go on the second sock and then I will be done. Knit. Knit. Switch yarn over. Purl. Purl. Switch yarn over. Knit. Knit. See? You're bored too.

Beagle blanket is in a deep state of stasis. Maybe it's in cryogenic sleep. Soon, I will start to feel guilty about it and the brown yarn will start appearing in my dreams at night.

I don't know. I guess there's some other stuff too. It's also lame. Some other socks or something. God, three other pairs of socks. One ugly, one for The Man, and one I think I'm going to send to my grandmother.

The only projects I have any interest in are the ones in my head. I haven't started yet, but I have the yarn picked out and an idea at least or in some cases even a pattern ready to go. But. I. Have. Seven. SEVEN! Works. In. Progress. With seven, I feel like I'm constantly working but never actually getting anywhere. However, I am compulsive, so I must finish at least two pairs of socks before I can start a new one, and I can only do one sweater at a time, and as soon as the secret project is finished for real I'm working on the goddamn beagle blanket and The Boys had better damn well appreciate it.

Part Two

Bunny has finished the knitting phase of the secret project, and has moved on to the finishing phase. This weekend, Bunny did some edging and blocking.













Well, this is a secret project, so you can't have a closer view. Let's just say that Bunny did not knit them all and, yes, they all ended up 12 inches, more or less. All of this was conducted under the oppressive surveillance of Warden Kirby:




Motto: When Bunny's on the move, so are we.

Bunny is making very slow progress on her purple cardigan:


.,and her tofu socks:

But she has turned the heel of her first Monkey sock:

Part one

Here's an update on current works in progress. But first, a diversion:

Here's my new yarn.

I promised I wouldn't touch it until I finish some other stuff. However, when I was putting it safely in the stash so as not to be tempted, I accidentally touched it through a gap in the plastic bag. I know I don't sound innocent, but I am innocent.

Back to works in progress.

Fleece Artist socks. "Mermaid" colorway. In the hank, this yarn looked blue. In real life, not remotely done justice by my unskilled photography, it is a blend of blue, purple, green, and gold. Lovely. These are meant for someone else, but I sure do love this yarn. Plus, this is a toe-up pattern, so they start out like this:

.....and end up like this:

Neato. One sock down. Toe on second sock completed.

Flower Power socks from the sock club:


One finished. It's time to pick up stitches from the second lace cuff and work the second sock.

Man mittens: One down, starting thumb gusset of second mitten.

I've fiddled with the pattern for this one. It calls for a spiral decrease at the top, but I think that's ugly, so I've been working plain sock-style decreases, i.e., two pairs of k2tog, k2, ssk. This is from the leftover Rowan Yorkshire Tweed. The 1x1 ribbed cuff looks a little sloppy, but I like the rustic feel of the yarn in the stockinette portion of the mitten.

I'm working on it.

So, there is no yarn store in the mall. There are, however, plenty of comfy places at the Swank Inn to sit and knit. And so I did. Here is what's in the pipeline:

1) Beagle blanket. Boring, ugly, and untouched for weeks. And it is not going to satisfy my goal of using up the ugly brown yarn I hate.

2) Tofu socks. I'm about to work the heel flap on sock number one.

3) Monkey socks: I've turned the heel and set up the gusset on sock one.

4) Thank you socks: number one is finished. Number two has been cast on.

5) Secret project. Phases one through three are complete, and phase four is about half done.

6) Bunny sweater. I've done about six inches of the back.

7) Man mittens. One mitten done, one cuff nearly done on mitten number two.

I have new yarn for the Cookie A. Knitty Gritty socks. Plus, and here's how dumb I am, I have all this leftover grey yarn from The Man's sweater in two shades of grey, but I went out and bought sock yarn to make fair isle socks for The Man in--wait for it--two shades of grey.

Oooooooh. I almost forgot.

8) Flower power socks. Sock one is complete. Time to pick up stitches from the cuff to work sock two.


All of this bores me. I want to play with my new yarn, but I'm not even going to take it out of the plastic to feel it. No new sock yarn until at least two other projects are done.

Don't even ask.

I appear to have a severe case of startitis. I solved my crise du jour from yesterday by choosing something from the stash AND buying more yarn. I am heartily ashamed of myself.

I now have a sweater, a blanket, mittens, four pairs of socks, and a secret project in the works. Ridiculous.

Hosed

I have me a problem. I was going to make some thank-you socks for someone with some of my socks that rock from Blue Moon Fiber Arts, using the Monkey pattern from designer Cookie A. This was going to be awesome because I not only had the pattern printed out from Knitty.com, I also had saved the episode of Knitty Gritty where Cookie A. made this sock. Also, I have more STR in the stash than is decent to confess.

The expert knitter who happens to use the same resources as me will have already seen the problem. Cookie A.'s Knitty Gritty socks are not the same as Cookie A.'s Monkey socks. Two similar, but different patterns. One is toe-up. One is toe-down.

Cookie A.'s Knitty Gritty socks are STR heavyweight. All I have is lightweight and mediumweight. I have no sock yarn in a comparable gauge. None I tell you. If you saw my sock yarn stash dumped out on the sofa right now, you'd find that hard to believe, but it's true.

Cookie A.'s Monkey socks are knit in something I don't have and can't recall ever seeing. I think I have something comparable, but I may have to diddle with needle size and rip it back a few times before I get gauge. Sending an incorrectly sized pair of socks to this particular person is not an option.

Upshot: I cannot just pick a color and begin. I have to either (1) BUY MORE YARN (and wait for it to ship) or (2) DO SOME MATH and some experimentation. These options suck. There is no point to buying one skein of sock yarn and my stash is already huge. Although.... We do have a new shed that came with the 1.8 billion dollar landscaping. I could hide it in there. No! Bad Bunny! Economy Plan, remember?

But, math? Whine? Gauge futzing? Whine. No fun.

Seven

Is it?


It IS!!

The next sock club sock, designed by Yarn Harlot herself.

By the way, one of the recent new Knitty Gritty episodes involved knitting with yarn made from dog hair. I suppose one can knit from anything fibrous. I suppose I could learn to make yarn from my hairbrush leavings or The Man's bathtub detritus if I bothered to learn to spin. [I read somewhere that Germany requires citizens to recycle hair. That can't be true.] Everything I have ever knit since GK came to live here has contained dog hair. Do I really need dog hair yarn?

Six

I spent a lot of time in waiting rooms today, unable to read because my eyes were dilated, so it was a good knitting day.

I finished and blocked the cuffs of the next sock club sock.



I finished the Monsoon socks. Now they go in the mail.

I also finished the fair isle dog sweater. Here is handsome model YB, mid-yawn:

Don't be fooled by the happy-ish look on his face. He is yawning, not smiling. He does not like the sweater and sat very stiffly and uncomfortably during his photo shoot. He looks adorable in it, though, and it's really for me and not him. I'll probably make him wear it for a few minutes once in a while so I can admire his cuteness.

Five

The Monsoon socks are coming right along. I have turned the heel, and am about halfway up the leg:

Sez The Man: exactly what appendage are you attempting to clothe anyway? I agree; the short-row toe bears an unfortunate resemblance to something my mother does not have. Once it’s on the foot, however, it looks like a sock for the foot. Plus, Mother of Dirtbunny will find it funny. She, after all, is the one who refers to cookies as either male or female depending on whether or not they contain nuts.

Sock Club Socks: I’ve done the first cuff and four out of five repeats on the second cuff.

Secret project: I have completed phase one. I finally got gauge, sort of, and can block it the rest of the way. So one down, three to go on that.

Fair Isle dog sweater: The body is done, about two-thirds of the ends are woven in, I only need to edge the armholes, and it is beautiful.


My first-ever fair isle. Gorgeous.

At this point, I am going to rat out The Man for one of his most vexing character flaws. He is a muggle, which is what the Yarn Harlot calls non-knitters. When he saw this fabulous work of art, he was complimentary, but that was it. He doesn’t get it. He has no clue that this dog sweater represents not just a work of incredible beauty, but (being Bunny’s first-ever attempt at Fair Isle and having come out flawlessly) also reflects Bunny’s mad knitting skillz and ginormous talent. Bunny can sight-read a pattern and come up with something spectacular using a technique she has never tried before. Bunny is a goddess. The Man’s mere compliments were not nearly effusive enough to reflect his understanding of Bunny’s genius for the art and science of turning string into clothes. I know I'm not the only knitter-married-to-a-muggle who has experienced this. Knitting can be a very lonely life without other knitters.

We shan’t mention that the dog sweater does not fit, because we will block it until it does fit, she said hopefully.

Cast on plain socks from the Tofu yarn because I need something I can knit in waiting rooms while my eyes are dilated this week.

Four

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

First, we have the beagle blanket:

I have a large stash of leftover Paton’s Canadiana in a nondescript shade of brown. I can’t bear to throw it out, even though it is old and fairly cheap and I don’t like the color very much. I have already knit two smallish blankets for the dogs. I figured that this is yarn they can be rough with and that I can just throw in the wash, because I don’t care how they look and neither do the boys. They seem to appreciate having something snuggly in their dog beds to help keep them warm at night.

This latest blanket was meant to use up the remaining brown yarn. It’s going to be afghan squares in assorted stitches, with garter stitch in between. I don’t care about gauge, and I did the math so my stitch counts would come out OK. I thought varying the pattern would make it more interesting to knit. I was wrong. Plus, at the gauge I’m getting, I am going to get to the size I want way before the yarn is gone.

We also have the monsoon socks. Once I get the short-row heel turned, this should be smooth sailing. However: boring P1 K2 rib pattern. Yawn.

And then there is a fair isle dog sweater. As usual, I bought way too much yarn for this, so when it’s over, I am going to have neurotic compulsions to use up the yarn. I really like working the fair isle pattern.

This is my first fair isle project and I thought a dog sweater would be a good experiment, because no one will care if I mess it up, which so far, I haven’t. Please note here that I bypassed the opportunity to use my potty mouth in deference to my mother, who is no big fan of the curse word. If I’m going to be good, I want credit for it.

Looks pretty good, doesn't it?

And over here we have the next sock club socks. I have made huge headway here, knitting one whole repeat of the lace pattern.

Did I mention that I have a lot of leftover yarn from The Man’s raglan sleeve sweater? I think I called that a “bonus.” Moron. It’s a curse. I am starting to hate on myself for not having used it up yet. So this is going to become socks and mittens.

By the way, when I say that GK follows me everywhere, I mean it:

I can’t possibly reveal the extent of my entire stash, but I will show you the (yarn) contents of my knitting bag:

These are the projects in the on-deck circle. There’s a pair of fair isle socks in there; some ribbed socks with contrasting cuff, heel, and toe; some tofu sock yarn that will probably be plain socks; and some Lorna’s Laces that have already been acquainted with YB. I have no idea what to do with Lorna. This yarn is laughing at me. Its continued existence as yarn, rather than as socks, is a monument to my inadequacy, and a constant reminder of the injustice of having been born into (and married into) the class of those who have to work for a living.

This, however, is causing me the most angst of all:


This is a secret project for which it is essential that I get gauge. I am not getting gauge. I have gone down four sizes on the recommended needles. This is my third attempt. It isn’t happening. I despair.

Isn't knitting supposed to be fun?

Three

The Firebird socks are finished. These are sock club socks from Blue Moon Fiber Arts. This is a toe-up pattern with short-row toe and heel, a small heel gusset, and the main pattern in a 3 by 2 slip stitch cable. Me likey. I'm keeping these. Now I can move on to the next sock club sock before the new one arrives in a few weeks.

Two

Finished!


The Man's blue self-striping socks. This was a Regia wool/cotton/polyamid blend, 64 stitch cast-on, size 2 needles at the top and size 1s a few inches down. They are saggy at the top. The Man says he doesn't care, bless him. These took about six weeks to make.







The Man's grey raglan sleeve sweater, handsomely modeled by The Man himself, and posted with permission. This took about three months. Worked in the round on size 7s with a double strand of Rowan Yorkshire Tweed (bought on clearance) in two different shades of grey. I don't much like finishing, so I thought I'd try raglan sleeves, which involve minimal finishing. I liked working in the round in plain stockinette stitch. It was good movie knitting (although I dropped some yarn on the sticky movie-theater floor. Don't tell The Man.) because it was mindless and easy. That is not to say that it didn't kick my ass. For example, sleeve number 1 was worked without increases because I didn't turn the page in the pattern book. This looks a little narrow for The Man's manly biceps, I thought. So I got to rip it back for a do-over. Also, I was about to bind off at the neckhole when I realized that I had managed not to work the shoulder decreases symmetrically. The Man volunteered to walk around like Quasimodo when he wore it so no one would notice, but I decided I could do better. I ripped it back and reworked the shoulders. The first time, I did a k2tog, SSK at the seam every other row. I wanted a more obvious join, so the second time around, I did a K2tog, K2, SSK to make the decrease more distinct. Much better.


Bonus: Since I bought this yarn on clearance with no project in mind, I had no idea whether I even had enough for a sweater. It turns out that there is plenty left over, so I'll probably make socks and mittens.


Still in progress:

1. Beagle blanket. Big, ugly, chewable, and machine washable, plus I get to use up the brown acrylic that's been in the basement for about 10 years.
2. Firebird socks. Sock 1 is done. I am trying to turn the heel on sock 2, but I was KWH and ended up with non-symmetrical short rows despite my copious use of stitch markers, so I ripped back the heel.
3. Monsoon socks. Sock 1 is done. I am working the foot on sock 2, which is good Metro knitting until I get to the heel.

Next in line: dog sweater, grey mittens, grey socks, monkey socks, Bunny cardigan. I need something small and mindless for the Metro, The Man needs mittens (he's hard on mittens--he likes to wear them while shoveling snow so they get all felted and curly), I promised I'd learn Fair Isle by doing a Fair Isle doggy sweater, and I want a new cardigan for the office.

One

1. Beagle blanket.
2. Blue socks.
3. Firebird socks.
4. Monsoon socks.
5. Sweater for The Man.